Saturday, December 18, 2010

Happy Holidays!

A little Christmas-themed e-mail humor...

December 1st

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Idaho Chuck's Steakhouse. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

December 2nd

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

December 3rd

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director

December 7th

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director

December 9th

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our Director to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces

December 10th

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party
at Idaho Chuck's whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Witch from Hell

December 14th

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


amanofwonder said...

Five more days and it would be the "PC Twelve Days Of Christmas".

Leticia said...

Wow! I honestly believe many Human Resources managers have had to put up with all that bologna.

It's Christmas, nuff said.

Silverfiddle said...

Yeah Leticia, I was at Best Buy today and a cute girl running the cash register wished a customer a Merry Christmas and the guy ringing me up reminded her not to say that unless the customer said it first.

So I wished them both a Merry Christmas so they could wish me one in return.

What a world we live in...

Trestin said...

Good one. Things like this is why I stopped making peoples feelings my top concern.

Lisa said...

A friend of mine works at a fairly large Company and a few years ago black girl in another department used to get back late from lunch,come in late,and not do anything unless specifically directed.
So her manager had talked to her about it and guess what she claimed? Yep racism. Then about a year later they were having layoffs and they were afraid to let her go because of it so they had to let a more qualified person go instead.

Silverfiddle said...

Being in the military my entire adult life, my experiences were much different, Lisa. But I guess people will use almost anything to try to get over. I did see a lot of that, but it wasn't confined to any particular race or ethnic group.

You make a blunt point, Trestin. Sadly, we're reached a point where simply granting one another common courtesies is no longer enough.

Some want to be special and treated as such. Well, my answer is "Sure you're special, just like everybody else!" (didn't that come from a movie?)

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